The Ghost Of You
by Caxsry14
Summary: Immediately after the events of the Season 8 Finale: Mark is finding it difficult to come to terms with his loss. Mark/Lexie all the way through. Also includes the other plane crash victims. Warning: May Be Spoilers!
1. Without You

Set right where season 8 left off. Mainly from Mark's POV with some parts in 3rd person.

NOTE: Please listen to Without You from RENT while reading Chapter 1

* * *

What just happened?

What _just_ happened?

Did I not just tell her that I loved her? That I had _always_ loved her? Did I not just tell her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her? I did _tell_ her that right? I didn't just dream it? I did tell her that. I did say that. So why did what just happened, well, happen?

She wasn't suppose to d.. She wasn't suppose t... to leave me. Leave me here alone. I mean, I'm not alone. I have Arizona and Christina and Meredith and Derek all suffering here with me... but I'm alone.

Without her, I am nothing.

I'm not that badly injured. Not really. They're just superficial. I'm not in any pain, apart from the fact that I am, and they're not just superficial injuries. That's just what people always say when they don't want other people to worry. Everyone else is pretty injured too. Meredith's scraped up, Cristina's shoulder got dislocated, Arizona has a freakin' bone sticking out of her leg and Derek's hand may as well have fallen off.

It's dark now. How long has it been since.. since she left? Four, five hours? Feels like it was years ago yet, it feels as though it was moments ago... I did tell her right? That I loved her? I could've sworn that I did, but if I did then why isn't she here? Isn't me saying those words suppose to make her fight that little bit harder to stay? I guess.. my words gave her the knowledge that she could die in happiness...

No.

I will not think like that.

Like it's all my fault. That she's gone. That she left.

It is _not_ my fault...

I need sleep. Everyone needs sleep. We're too weak to stay awake and wait for help. When help comes, they will wake us up...

– –

How many hours did I sleep? Did I even sleep at all?

Too many questions. Not enough answers... What's that? Oh, sobbing. Of course someone's crying. It's a sad time. But, who is it? Wait, there's only one person that can be..

* * *

"Derek?"

"Mark!" Derek lifted his head and looked toward Mark's direction. There was just enough moonlight to make out his silhouette.

"You're crying?"

"Huh, you sound surprised." He sniffed, "Everyone else has cried. You think I'm excluded from such emotion?" Derek gave out a short laugh before spitting out a hearty cough.

"Der-"

"Don't worry Mark, I just have a dry throat." He leaned his head back and looked up at the stars. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. For that one moment, everything felt okay. After what felt like an eternity he opened his eyes and looked back to Mark, "Have you slept?"

"Wha-"

"You really should sleep. You need to get all the rest you can before sunrise. We'll have a hard day tomorrow."

"So today wasn't hard?" Derek could feel the tone of anger in Mark's voice. "Today wasn't the hardest damn day of my life?" Mark struggled with his words, "I'm sorry Derek that I'm not sleeping right now, but every time I do.. every time I do.." Mark closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I've finished crying. At least.. for now anyway.."

Derek laughed then began to shout in whispers, "You think this day wasn't terrible for me too! You think that because you were in love with her that you are the worst off!"

"I never said that-"

"She's my sister Mark!" Derek began to calm down "I mean, she _was_ my.." tears began to run down his cheeks, "Not biologically of course.. but I was her big bother. She came to me for advice about you, y'know." This hit Mark hard, "always me. Never Meredith or one of her friends. Me. Always me. I-I loved her like a sister Mark.." he faced the ground with his eyes closed, took a deep breath and began to speak quietly and softly, "I love her Mark. Not like you do. I could never-" he let a tear roll off his chin, "She was brilliant. She was a great surgeon, a great sister for Meredith to have. Zola loves her.."

He kissed the top of Meredith's head that had been resting on Derek's shoulder since she fell asleep six hours earlier. At this she stirred into a different position causing Christina, who had been resting on Meredith, to wake up slightly.

"Wher-"

"Go back to sleep Christina. It's not time to wake up yet." Derek told her with a sniff. And so she did, re-positioning herself against Meredith and starting to snore at a steady pace. Mark and Derek laughed.

"How do they sleep so soundly through this?" Mark asked.

"Maybe they need the sleep more than us."

"Doubt it." He smiled. The first smile he'd smiled since the crash.

"Heh," Derek simply added, also with a smile. There was a looming silence shared between the two of them for around five minutes or so. Mark figured that Derek had slipped into sleep and felt he was now safe to be with his thoughts.

"What am I going to do..?" He thought out loud, rubbing his head as he did so.

"What are you going to do about what?" a familiar female voice spoke. So he still wasn't alone with his thoughts.

"Arizona? H-how long have you been awake?"

"Long enough." She paused then began to laugh, "Well, I mean, I heard Derek's whole speech about love and you two laughing about us lot sleeping, even though I was actually awake and Meredith is probably just pretending..."

"Oh.." He went silent and looked over at Meredith. _'No, she's sleeping..' _he thought to himself.

"You didn't answer my question Mark." She said his name rather forcefully, "What are you going to do about _what_?"

He stayed silent.

"Fine, stay silent. I'm the closet thing you have to a family right now and you're staying silent. Not that this may be the last time we ever get to speak or anything bu-"

"You're bitter, y'know that." Mark interrupted her.

She took a deep breath "Yeah? Well maybe I'm in a bitter mood." There was more silence. "I'm going back to sleep. Maybe it'll get rid of my bitterness." She closed her eyes and took in another deep breath. And in a calmer tone said "You should sleep Mark. If we're going to die, dying of tiredness would be a silly way to go."

"You can't die of tiredness.." He began to object but stopped as he realised she had already slipped into a deep sleep.


	2. Since You've Been Gone

NOTE: Please listen to Since You've Been Gone by Theory of a Deadman while reading Chapter 2

* * *

Sleep?

How am I suppose to sleep?

If I fall asleep how do I know that I will wake up again..? Someone should stay awake to make sure that everyone who is here _stays_ here.

– –

I should have told her sooner. I should have told her sooner. But how was I to know that I'd need to tell her sooner. As soon as she told me she loved me I should have broke it off with Julia...

Julia..

What am I going to do... about Julia?

I can't just go back to being there, with her. Well, If I get back there in the first place...

Ugh! I really need to get rid of all these depressing thoughts. I can't stay alive if I'm not willing to. And I _am_ willing to. Aren't I?.. Too many damn questions! I need to sleep. I will sleep. I'll force myself to sleep.

There we go. Closed eyes. Slow breathing. This is how to sleep. These are signs that I am asleep. But I'm not sleeping. I'm thinking about sleeping. Thinking far too much about trying to get to sleep to actually sleep. Oh and look, the sun is coming up. Well, that was a good nights sleep of.. not sleeping. And soon enough everyone else will be awake too. Yep, Meredith's waking up right now, and Christina.

* * *

"Mark?" Meredith's voice was unnaturally cheery. "You're awake." She looked at the dark circles beneath his eyes, "Did you even sleep?"

"Yeah.." He lied, "Well, no.." He corrected, closing his eyes.

"You look pale," She rushed over to him, "How's your chest feeling?" Meredith began to inspect his injuries.

"Mer-" He gave out a hearty cough. Christina woke up the others while Meredith helped Mark regain breath. He pushed her away and sat up. "I'm Fine Meredith. Just.. tried."

"Fine?" She replied, "I highly doubt that anyone here is _fine_. Least alone you..." Her unnatural cheeriness had gone as she remembered the events of the previous day. She knelt down and began to cry. Her head in her hands.

"Meredith!" Christina ran over to her and tried to console her before Derek, whom had just woken up, sat next to Meredith and embraced her.

"Sssh. It's gonna be fine. It's all going to be fine." Meredith calmed down and stood back up.

"I'm going for a walk, wake me up properly." She turned to Christina, "Coming?" She had been re-bandaging Arizona's wound.

"Uh, sure but-"

"Don't worry Christina," Arizona spoke, "I can finish it myself." She smiled and Christina went off into the woods with Meredith.

"Don't get lost!" Derek shouted to them before they wandered out of earshot. He sat down next to Mark and added in a whisper "We can't lose anyone."

"You mean anyone_ else_.." Mark said, still with his eyes closed. Derek placed his good hand on Mark's shoulder as to console him.

"Yeah, no one else." Derek gave Mark a sympathetic smile but Mark didn't see it. Arizona groaned.

"You're not going to get all emotional again are you? I don't think I can take any more emotion."

"I'm guessing your sleep didn't rid you of your bitterness." Mark sighed.

"This isn't bitterness. This is logic. We need to keep focused on getting out of here. Emotion will distract us from doing that so while we're here, while we're stuck here in the middle of God knows where we need to detach from every emotion that we feel." She spoke rather fast leaving hardly any time to breathe. "I know what you're thinking. You're both thinking 'Arizona is in shock' or 'The impact of how big this is hasn't hit her yet'. Well it has. It has hit me that right now I am here, sitting in the wreckage of a plane crash with a bone poking out if my leg while my wife and daughter are at home safe and I'm not there with them..." She began to show emotion, "I still have my emotions, whether I choose to act on them or not is another thing entirely."

"They should have noticed our disappearance by now." Was Mark's only reply

"Which means we don't need to focus on getting out of here. We need to wait for them to find us." Derek added cautiously.

"Then we need to focus on surviving. There's no point in them finding us if there is no _us_ to find." Arizona replied swiftly. There was a short pause.

"I don't like you bitter." Mark said.

"Mark. I'm not bitter. As I already said-"

"We don't need this bickering!" Derek interrupted in a raised voice. "The worst way to go now would be by murdering each other. Anger is an emotion. An emotion that you are both feeling strongly right now. There is no need to block out emotions just, contain them enough so you don't end up killing each other." The two of them grumbled a reply and there was a long silence before Mark spoke again.

"Why did she wake you up?" He asked the two of them even though he directed the question to Derek.

Arizona replied, "We agreed last night, first one up wakes up everyone else. Do you not remember?"

"No... I probably wasn't listening. I've had a pretty busy mind..." He trailed off into thought again.

"Explains why you didn't wake us all up." Said Derek. Mark looked confused, "You were the first awake were you not?"

"I didn't sleep, you can't be the first awake If you never slept... anyway, aren't you suppose to be worried about my memory mister neuro guy?"

Derek sighed "You have no head trauma. And besides, you're tired and you probably just have a sucky memory." They all laughed.

"Sounds pretty correct." Mark replied before coughing again.


	3. Shattered

NOTE: Please listen to Shattered by Trading Yesterday while reading Chapter 3

* * *

This isn't so bad.

Life without her.

I'm surrounded by friends, good friends. People who care about me.

I have a family. Me, Callie, Arizona and Sofia. Heh. We're a little dysfunctional to say the least. But I love them. I love all of them.

Okay. Thinking about my family isn't helping. Thinking about how I have them just reminds me how I don't have her.. I never thought that her not being here would affect me so badly. I just.. I miss her. I miss her more than I have ever missed anyone. Huh. I can't even remember the last time we kissed... the last time we were happy. Together.

We were supposed to end up together. I planned it all in that moment. That one moment. I knew we wanted the same things...

_We were gonna get married..._

_Have two or three kids..._

_We were gonna have the best life..._

_We were gonna be so happy..._

_Because we're suppose to end up together._

_We're meant to be. We're meant to be.._

What was that she told me? When she told me she loved me? She said she was so in love with me that she couldn't sleep that, I was a disease.. It's funny. How now I'm the one who can't sleep. And how I feel infected by her. By her presence. By her memory..

I need to forget about her now. If I carry on like this I won't be able to go back sane. Or go back at all... But they need me. My dysfunctional family. My 'baby with my lesbian BFFs' is what she called us. I need to go back to my dysfunctional family. Arizona begged me. Last night. Before the bitterness.

I keep seeing her though. Everywhere I look I see her. It's almost like her ghost is following me. She doesn't want me to move on. But ghosts don't exist. It's just my subconscious. So does that mean that_ I_ am the one who doesn't want me to move on? I do want to move on. I want to move on back home to my dysfunction life with my dysfunctional family. I owe it to them. And I did _promise_ Arizona. Callie would never forgive me if I left them._ Ever_...

What was that other thing she said? She was so in love with me that she couldn't sleep. She was so in love with me that she couldn't_ breathe_.. She couldn't breathe. Now, I can't...

* * *

"Mark!" Arizona screamed as Mark began to lose consciousness. "_Mark!_" She continued to scream and scream until her throat was raw. Derek rushed over to Mark's body.

"I can't do anything with one hand!" He shouted, struggling with his swift inspection of Mark. "Call for Meredith and Cristina. Hopefully they haven't wandered too far." He said to Arizona who was trying to reach over to Mark's chest.

She called for them but there was no reply. "They're not coming back Derek. They're not coming!" She was crying now. "Mark! Wake up Mark! Remember what we said last night! Remember!" Arizona held his face in her hands in an attempt to wake him. Mark's eyes fluttered open.

"Arizo-"

"Shhh. There's no need to speak Mark. I just need to know that you're awake." She dried her tears. "You _need_ to stay awake." Arizona whispered to him before relaxing.

"Arizona, take over!" Derek said to her. "I'll go find Christina and Meredith." He ran off into the surrounding forest in search of them and Arizona began to look for the cause of Mark's shallow breaths.

Mark was fully conscious and looking straight at the sun. The light made his eyes sting but he didn't dare close them. If he kept his eyes open then he couldn't black out again. His breaths were shallow and slow but at least he had some. He could feel his chest tightening though and sure sure enough, his breathing stopped again.

"Crap!" Arizona shouted trying to get Mark to respond. "Derek! Derek, come back!" She screamed and screamed but there was no response from the never-ending woods. She was crying again and however hard she tried, Mark wouldn't respond. "You are not leaving me yet Mark, you hear me?" She whispered to him. "Not yet!" at this, Mark took a huge breath, coughing as he tried to sit up.

"I don't know how much longer I can hold on.." His voice was barely hear-able over the loudness of his breaths. He looked up and the sun again and thought of _her_. He had a sudden feeling of sickness and so began to take in deep breaths. "Did you hear them last nigh?" He struggled out.

"Hear who?" Arizona voice had the tone of concern.

Mark hesitated to answer "The.." he closed his eyes as if in pain, "The animals."

"I heard distant sounds but nothing too near.."

"We need to get her out!" He interrupted, "we need to protect her body.." he tried to jump up but fell down to the floor in pain. Mark began to sob. "I could hear her screaming. All night long I heard her screaming.. the animals.. they were.." he couldn't come out with the rest of the sentence and began to cough again.

"You were just imagining it, Mark." She consoled, "We haven't seen any animals around here-"

"But I could HEAR them!" Mark's sobs turned into a frustrated cry. He was useless. Everything was useless... "She's gone.. Arizona, she gone! And there's nothing I can do to bring her back!" He put his hands over his eyes. His sadness turned to anger, "We're doctors Arizona, we're freakin' doctors! We're supposed to stop people from dy- from.. leaving us.."

"Say that word Mark."

"What?"

"Say it."

"Whu- there isn't a need to say it-"

"Oh, there is a _huge _need for it. You can't say that word." She was persistent. "C'mon Mark, it's a word we use every single day. We are_ doctors_ after all."

"But, I don't wa-"

"Say it Mark!" Her eyes seemed to pierce through his mind.

"OKAY! Okay.."

"Mark.."

"She's.. She's dead." once he started he couldn't stop. "The love of my life is _dead._ My soul-mate, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is dead! She is dead and I was too late! I was too freakin' late! The guilt of me being here and her being gone is heightened by the guilt I feel for putting her through so much pain for so freakin' long!" So many tears were streaming down his face that the sun became blurry.

"Okay." was her only reply. Mark rolled onto his side to show his back to Arizona. The sun was getting pretty boring anyway... He cringed as pain shot straight through him.

"Arizona..." he was struggling to breathe again. Arizona wasn't mobile enough to move him this time and so was stuck watching Mark suffer and slowly fade.

"Mark! Mark! Stay with me Mark! Breathe!" She was panicking, feeling totally helpless. She couldn't reach him. Her leg prevented her movement and Mark had inconveniently rolled away. "Mark! Listen to me! Think of staying here. Think of staying alive! Think! Think of life back home. How good we have it! Uh, think of Sofia!" She was trying to reach for him, shuffling towards his body.

"Everyday..." Mark gave out one final breath. Arizona gave one more reach and managed to roll him over to her.

But he was gone. "Mark!" She sobbed. "Mark!"

Mark fell into darkness and could still hear the echoes of Arizona's voice.

"Mark!" She shouted. "Mark!"

Suddenly the falling stopped and all he could see was the brightness of a light as bright as the sun.

"Mark?" This voice was different.

"Lexie..?"

* * *

END


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